The 730 Rapport
by nlcaelum
Summary: Ennis  O'Brien  interviews your friendly Baccano characters, and we also bring you backstage for some interesting rapport with Ennis. Don't worry, it's all clean.
1. 1: the HOST herself: ENNIS

The 7.30 Rapport – By nlcaelum

Episode 1 – The Host… Herself!

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Author's note: This is based on the successful ABC1 current affairs program, The 7.30 Report (note the spelling pun I utilized in the title!), which is anchored by the outgoing Kerry O'Brien, and which I personally was impressed by during the coverage of the Australian elections of 2007 (which I was in Brisbane at that time), and 2010 (not this time).

This will be in Alternate Universe style, with all characters' backgrounds taken liberties with – majorly. Each new character will be introduced by the host, or relief host if need be (you never know…) and will be followed up with the main story and interview interspersed.

Characters will mainly be drawn from Baccano and Final Fantasy – their backgrounds however, will not be the same. And birthdates, for some. Parings here will be subtle, except for one (which you'll find out later). And some fans will hate me for breaking one relationship early on.  
So with that, let the show begin!

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Disclaimer: All trademarks and copyrights belong to respective owners.

:: :: :: ::

Host. Ennis. Herself.

Initially, she was unsure of this. The only reason why she took up this position was because she happened to be in the right place at the right time (or the wrong place at the wrong time, depending on how you saw it). Basically, she had been up till then, an opinion columnist with the broadcaster's opinion site – and a well read one at that, given that she was always unearthing precious information others never got close to, exercising covert power on Canberra and more.

But TV? She always thought she had a face – and by extension, a figure for radio, not TV. So she thought. Because a political party important fella, who she'd interviewed (more than once) recommended her to the national broadcast corporation to take over a retiring predecessor – a distant relative at that. [And Uncle Kerry said OK.] She was a size 15 – size 15, for goodness' sakes! And a 36C! She was already having lecherous looks from across the aisle – having found out that her button-up shirt could not be buttoned up on the top button. Oh well, she might as well get used to it, and leave all trust in the hands of the costume and make-up departments.

Looking through the three items on the list, she sighed.

Victorian state elections. Well, what fun! That election junkie in her was excited. Two major elections, less than a year apart. How much better could it get? Too bad there was no-one to interview. Aww.

And then there was the issue of the Commonwealth – dereliction of their duty on human rights? Well, let the correspondents speak on this one. It was their segment.

New South Wales rail controversy – again for the XYZ time, about Epping or something. Well, talked about since the 80's. Roughly when she started getting interested in politics. (Remember, she was a 99-year old homunculus. Shhh…). An interview with the (embattled) NSW premier. Be nice, but tough. Like her predecessor.

Oh very well.

:: :: :: ::

After a trip to the costume and makeup department, she looked a whole lotta better. From some dowdy politician (goodness, years of interviewing them must have rubbed off her!) into… someone from Mad Men. Specifically, Joan Rivers, but with short hair. Yeahh. Plussed and perfectly hourglass, it was pretty good actually. And off into the studio she went.

Commercial break, right after the last segment, was when she finally got to know who was up for next week Friday (the Rapport had its slots changed with Stateline, since the regional MPs wanted more statewide coverage, which suited her well). And then she had her largest shock of her career. The very political high official who helped put her here was dropping in next week! Aargh… and it didn't make things any better that they lived under the same roof, AND was ENGAGED to him… Firo!

Utter awkwardness abound. And so with that, a deep blushing red Ennis announced the end, and next's week guest and one of the topics (the other two, decided later in the week). With that, this week's Rapport was over.

And on her way out, she grabbed a can of Guinness, something she kinda picked up from her adoptive father. She relished its deep, dark taste, as she got into her car with her friend, the sign-language translator for the 7pm news, and recently divorced from some Vino guy, that Don Juan. Poor Chane, life treated her that badly. Born mute, weak constitution, cheated on and dumped… Ennis felt lucky. Must be luck of the Irish.

The ride was eerily silent. And it wasn't only because it was a hybrid car.

:: :: :: ::

OK, so that's it for the first chapter.

Well, this was started almost on a whim, and already I've broken one pairing. I'll go in-depth into it one of these chapters. Soon enough. Just wait on for it… I promise I'll work on it. Meanwhile, spousal jib-jab next time!

I really love Ennis, I really do. I just decided to give her a small makeover just for the fun of it, while playing on her insecurities a li'l. She's really perfect how she is, really. Just exercising my artistic license.

Stay tuned, and remember to review!


	2. 2: party high official: FIRO

The 7.30 Rapport – By nlcaelum

Episode 2 – Firo

Disclaimer: All trademarks and copyrights belong to respective owners.

:: :: :: ::

Staff filed in speedily to prepare the Ultimo studio just in time for The Rapport, and there was really not that much to do, other than the fact that… Ennis' outer suit was MISSING! She'd got her staff to send it to the laundry on Monday, and it should have been in by this morning. Unfortunately, it was missing. And where was it?

:: :: :: ::

Meanwhile the guest for this week, incumbent party high official and powerbroker Firo had arrived in a Holden Commodore (not a Comcar, however), and had… two suits in hand – his own and another one.

"Ennis!"

"Firo!"

The couple, locked in embrace, were French-kissing each other in full view of the staff, and Ennis, always the sharp-eyed one, managed to coax her own suit off Firo's hand… only to find a rose in the inner pocket. A red one. And a note.

"Happy birthday Ennis. Too bad you're working on New Years' Eve"

It was signed by Firo himself.

Ennis puppy-eyed, "Awww…. That's sweet. But a day late."

Firo curtly responded, "I was in Queensland yesterday. Get off my case already!"

"OK. Anything else for me?"

"Wait and see."

Still puppy-eyed, Ennis begged, "pueety pueeze?"

Firo sighed. This was what The Rapport's presenter was like off screen? He should have known, fighting off silly looks from staff. Bet ya no-one in the party would ever try looking at him like this. Or maybe they always do.

:: :: :: ::

Anyways, everything spun around Firo the rest of the day, who'd been there since noon, having one of those inflight-like lunches procured from a lounge fridge, then working directly from his laptop, over the fallout in New South Wales,(another minister quits!) Victorian state elections, foreign ministerdestroys something again, etc, etc. Oh well, oh hey. Nothing new, at least they were still in power in Canberra.

:: :: :: ::

Meanwhile, Ennis was picking out the three focus topics for tonight – foreign minister visits China, dollar at par with greenback… and a focus on New South Wales. With Firo! The most shocking thng was that no-one really knows what he'd have in mind.

Then again, neither did Firo know what was in Ennis' mind sometimes.

:: :: :: ::

"This is the 7.30 Rapport, and I'm Ennis O'Brien.

First off, we start with Sino-Australian relations. Foreign minister KRudd visits HK. Here's Miria Harvent with the report."

After the commercial break, the most important segment of the revamped Rapport was up: the interview. The committee decided to push for a standard formula of three topics and an interview. So this week, it was Firo.

"Now, on the issue on the New South Wales state government, we invite the insider of insiders, member of the National Executive council of the ruling party, Firo!"

"I'm always surprised no one even has to mention my surname these days. Almost like the foreign minister."

"Yes, yes. Well, on the first question on everyone's minds: What's the likelihood of the Liberals gaining power in NSW State government?"

"Well, 50-50. I mean, look at this, it's fair game for both Liberals and Labor, so really, Labor did rather little to contribute to the problem right now, but Keneally is rather popular, at least looking at the polls, so… yeah."

"Fair. So, now about Baccano! ABC3 intends to broadcast a plotline you helped write… and promptly sold the rights off to the Japanese, and they make something slick out of it. What's your take?"

"Hey, now, did ya ever know that some major liberties were taken? Like Chane never married Vino. He was gay, really."

*cue shock and gasp*

"For who?"

"Ladd."

"Wha-really? Another scandal right out of NSW?"

"Yes, really. "

"Okkkkay. Besides that, let's get a li'l more up close and personal."

"I've been trying to do the same to you for 50 years!"

"HEY!"

"Mmhmm."

"Any big shocks for us?"

"Oh yes. Remember, 1930 was Prohibition-era in the US, and I'm afraid the alcopops tax is going to have the same effect. After all, ban something and its allure is only strengthened. I think we should be looking at a percentage system."

"Riiight. Now, coming back to the story line, what inspired you to write the whole story?"

"As a matter of historical record. That is all."

"You're kidding."

"No, I'm absolutely serious."

"Stop this already - you know that it' really a love story right?" While at this point, Ennis was already wearing one really silly grin on her face – she'd scripted this already, just needed to trap Firo right here and now, to make her mark as a powerful and fearless inquirer – even if it meant using unorthodox methods. Wonderful.

Well, the temperature was going right up.

"Ennis, mate. You really didn't have to…"

"Hey, don't distract from the question. Just tell me, love story or not?"

"All right, all right, at least partially."

"There, that was easy wasn't it?"

"You're tough. This is the first time I'm on TV!"

"Now, on to the next question. How do you think the Victorian state elections will turn out?"

"New year, new paradigm. It'll probably be hung."

"Sounds interesting. Thanks for coming."

"Glad to be here."

:: :: :: ::

Backstage…

"Ennis, you were harsh."

"Just my job, Firo."

"Really, now. I didn't expect my word would put you here and myself in such a tight spot."

"Well, as they always say, beware of what you say."

"Awww. That hurts. I could eat you alive."

"Like you would ever do that."

"That's true, really." *Firo plants a kiss on Ennis' lips, partly to shut her up.

"So where's my birthday gift?"

"At home."

:: :: :: ::

A/N: Ok, so that's the end of this chapter.

Hmm. This was a stretch, and I probably screwed 7.30. Oops, so sorry to ABC for that. But anyways, the thing is that it's an experimental fic, combining different genres into a single entity, and then placing characters in places I thought where they'd fit. Well, I hope you'd liked it!

Remember to review!


	3. 3: gatecrashers: ISAAC and MIRIA

The 7.30 Rapport – By nlcaelum

**Episode 3: ****Isaac Dian and Miria Harvent**

Author's Note: Well, those of you who'd read the previous installment and thought it a bit short, well, I thought I'd agree, if not for the fact that soon, I'll be bringing Firo back in a later chapter in a different post.

While at it, I would sooner or later intend to add in outsiders (from other series), interspersed with internal ones. Still, we do need to get on with the show, notwithstanding the fact that Ennis is feeling more like Maxine McKew, (formerly from Lateline, ABC1), rather than Kerry O'Brien, as I'd originally envisaged. So maybe this will slowly move towards a Lateline-based series.

Anyways, on with the show!

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Disclaimer: All trademarks and copyrights belong to respective owners.

Wardrobe department, Studios Ultimo

"Hey look, Isaac, look at the sheer number of outfits they have here! It's even departmentalized into time period and styles, it's almost like a whole department store in here!"

"Miria, this IS the wardrobe department after all… AND HAVING WORKED HERE SINCE 2003, shouldn't you at least have known about this place by now…?"

"Well, this IS huge!"

… squabbling…

"People, it's 6.00pm already…" a staffer called out into the wardrobe department. "Rehearsal and warm-up starts in half-an-hour…"

:: :: :: ::

"The US dollar sinks to parity with the US dollar, and Maxine Mckew intends to run for NSW Premier Labor Party primaries. This is the 7.30 Rapport, with Ennis O'Brien."

*cue St Patrick's Day march music*

"First up, Maxine Mckew is at it again. She's running for NSW state premiership-in-waiting, as the currently beleaguered premier is contemplating resigning, just two months to the NSW state elections, as she believes that the current federal MP does not represent the Asians, who form a large portion of the division's population…"

:: :: :: ::

"Next, the greenback sinks to new lows, *finally* reaching parity with the Aussie dollar. Meanwhile, the shadow treasurer says that the Aussie dollar should be reduced to parity with the Singapore dollar, like that in 2001, during Howard's premiership."

(meanwhile, a Twitter post from a viewer flashes on-screen – FiroPCN: Joe Hockey? Wasn't he dancing in a pink tutu not too long ago? 730rapport)

:: :: :: ::

"That's economics for you."

"Now, onto latest happenings in Kirribilli. At the Governor-general's New Year's celebrations, the Salahis of Australia appeared! In an exclusive interview, we get the Dians down to Ultimo for their first time as guests!"

*Isaac and Miria dance into stage* "Hello peopleeee!"

"What… interesting dress, Isaac and Miria! It's… unique, to say the least."

"Well, I'm wearing what the shadow treasurer wore – a pair of Shrek ears, and a tutu, replete with a magic wand!"

"And I'm wearing… a meido cosplay!"

"Oooookay, well, that's kinda interesting. Now, you two, were, how should I put it, spotted at Kirribilli. What drove you both to do so? Miria?"

"Well, you know what? We thought it was an open invite, yeah! I mean, the place was totally awesome! Like, it was just rich, mate!"

"Uh, yes, I was there with my bloke, Firo… and we were officially invited to the VIP party… but you two…?"

"Well, who cares, really? I mean, it's a good way to gain exposure, right!" Isaac interjected.

"Well… what did your people say?"

"You know, as senior correspondents, unlike you, we actually have to report to a department head – you report to the executives directly, so it's different. Our HOD said little – he's still thinking about it."

"I…see."

*backstage commotion*

"Oh damn… it's the HOD!" Isaac exclaimed.

"Um, Ronnie, what's going on – I chose to interview them, and I was given powers to do so…" Ennis interrupted.

"Well, it's not about you, darling…" he placed a hand on Ennis' shoulders, and hands her a stiff espresso – not like Ennis likes her coffee like that… "It's about the two of them."

"Well, what with?"

"They're fired."

"Uhh, you know we're on air, right?"

"That's the point. I need to make a public statement that their dismissal is required to uphold the highest standards of the national broadcaster."

:: :: :: ::

"Now, that was a day." Ennis sighed as Firo came up to the Studio.

"Hey, I watched everything."

*sigh*

"Let's go home. We've got guests waiting."

"Who?"

"Noctis and Stella."

"That sounds lovely."

:: :: :: ::

Author's Note: Ok. This is a massive shock to some of you, right? Yes, I know. Still, the thing is that it's an experimental fic, and almost anything goes here. The point of this series is to blend AU with canon with reality. It's a shot, really. I wonder what you think.

Also, the next guests… will be Nice and Jacuzzi. Yes. So expect more fireworks and shocks from the next installment!

P.S. It's ACTUALLY TRUE that the Australian federal shadow treasurer appeared in a tutu. You can look here: /bZNeBN

Remember to review!


	4. 4: rightwingers: JACUZZI and NICE

The 7.30 Rapport – By nlcaelum

**Episode 4: ****Jacuzzi Splot and Nice Holystone**

:: :: :: ::

Chapter four already, and Tony Abbott and Julia Gillard are still squabbling over Afghanistan. Then again, Abbott went …. To the TORY Conference in Birmingham! I just hope it's not taxpayer money he's using… Anyways…

We are happy to assure you that the studios are equipped with heat sensors and sprinklers. You should know why.

Also, you'd realize that each installment is pretty bite-sized. There's a reason for this. Ome readers like it that way. It's easier for me as well.

:: :: :: ::

Disclaimer: All trademarks and copyrights belong to respective owners.

:: :: :: ::

Irish coffee in hand, Ennis powers up her HP Mini notebook.

*checks profile of her guests*

"Looks like we need to bring in some extra fire safety. Someone's a massive pyromaniac." Well. She'd have good reasons to, that wise lady from County Clare.

:: :: :: ::

Meanwhile, at Rooty Hill RSL, where the largest political battles in Australia are fought, two of its members, the opposition official in charge of PR, and recently featured for something… pretty different. He'd gone on some random SBS show – and ranted in a dozen languages, about the ruling party's this and that, about boat people, how the state premier was a tool, etc, etc, etc. And Ennis thought it'd be great to find out his views.

But just when she'd thought it would only be Jacuzzi coming along, he wanted to bring Nice along. Because Isaac could. Like last week. (But that was different!, Ennis protested.) (He didn't care a bit, that stubborn mule.)

Anyways, Ennis gulped down the rest of her now-cooled coffee, and packed up, jumped right straight into her red V8 Holden Caprice (really, a RED Comcar! Now that's rich…) and drove off… to get a fire extinguisher.

:: :: :: ::

"Hi there, honey. Firo here."

"Bring down the mini fire-extinguisher do Ultimo on your way to your interview with Afternoon Live… yeah."

"Isn't there one in your car?"

"Actually, no."

"All right then."

:: :: :: ::

"Your extinguisher, Ennis."

"Thanks."

"Why the extinguisher, by the way?"

"Didn't you see the adverts? Nice and Jacuzzi are coming along."

"Ah. Damn, they'd try to create a Bloody Sunday in Ultimo? Why don't you just call in the Garda for protection like now, just in case?"

"Your maternal Dublin freak-out Teflon-ist blood is showing." Ennis deadpanned.

"Yeah… whatever. Just be careful."

"Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure. I've been around 90 years and still going fine, so yeah."

:: :: :: ::

**Rooty Hill RSL**

"Hm, Nice, what do you need all that pocket-ammo for?"

"Everyone knows the national broadcaster is a sign of left-wing policy and is anathema to liberalism by feeding people government propaganda. And I don't care how absolutely nice the host is, it's just too bad. So there.

"I've got a bad feeling about this…"

:: :: :: ::

**Studios Ultimo, Afternoon Live**

"Well, as you can see, the Government of NSW is in a extremely precarious situation, and there are MPs quitting now and then. Thus, the Premier has called for the inclusion of new blood, people who are well-known for their views which fit in with the party. Like Peter Garett."

"Well, that's all and fair, but… a primary for the post of Premier in the party? Is this a spill motion?" the host, Sylvie Lumiere.

(random tweet – Ennis730: Now, we all know that Firo secretly wants to be Premier. ;) I can be first lady of NSW. ;p)

"Aw, come on, really. A spill motion – that's what the opposition does. We are having a backup plan, just in case the current premier quits."

"Ok, so it's like Alberta, where senators-in-waiting are elected – but not necessarily actually given the position?"

"Yes, that's about it, really."

"Thanks, Firo."

"You're welcome."

:: :: :: ::

7.30 Rapport…

"ANOTHER editor tells all about his dropping from News Ltd in a book gripping Australia, build-up to the NSW state elections building up to be a three-horse race, and Liberals backstage powerful members appear at the forefront…but for what reason? This is the 7.30 Rapport with Ennis O'Brien."

"First up, Eve Genoard spills all about her time as American correspondent for the News Ltd Aussie operations, and then for NY Post and Fox News, amongst others. We interview her in an exclusive."

:: :: :: ::

"Next, the NSW state elections seem headed for… a hung legislature, as neither ALP nor the LNP have a clear lead in the 2PP. Even resident persephologist Antony Green says that this will end up like the federal election just last year.

The Greens and the Sex Party have decided to form a Left alliance, and this battle seems to be between the Coalition, the new Left alliance, and the ALP. Shockingly, none have broke the 30% mark… with rather high votes for independents. We now present a overview put together by our journalists."

:: :: :: ::

"Finally, over the weekend, the Liberal PR manager of the NSW state elections, Jacuzzi Splot went on a diatribe at the Rooty Hill RSL against his similar numbers from ALP and the Greens, in a total of 12 different languages – even SBS had difficulties translating all of them. So what drives him?"

"And also, the conservatives are out in force again, with a march over the weekend starting from Port Macquarie to Sydney's Macquarie Street – and this looks interesting, seeing how they were armed with lighters. What's their background? Their leader, Nice Holystone is also coming to speak to us."

*cue Jacuzzi and Nice entering stage*

"Thank you for coming, Nice and Jacuzzi."

"Yes, thank you." Jacuzzi returned.

"Now, you entered a rant on the ALP's failures in NSW. Would you care to explain?"

"Basically, ….

THEY LIE! They promise the world and deliver next to nothing!

MENTONO! Essi promettono il mondo e consegnare quasi nulla!

ILS MENTENT! Ils promettent le monde et d'offrir à peu près rien!

QUE MENTIRA! Prometen el mundo y ofrecer casi nada!

SIE LÜGEN! Sie versprechen die Welt und liefern so gut wie nichts!

ZE LIEGEN! Ze beloven de wereld en leveren bijna niets!

EU BOD YN GORWEDD! Maent yn addo y byd ac yn darparu nesaf peth i ddim!

HỌ NÓI DỐI! Họ hứa hẹn với thế giới và cung cấp bên cạnh không có gì!

ОНИ ЛЕЖАТ! Они обещают мир и поставить рядом с ничего!

他们说谎！他们承诺的，根本都没有实现！

彼らは嘘！彼らは、世界を約束する、何もの隣にお届けします！

BRÉAG SIAD! gealltanas siad an domhan agus a sheachadadh in aice le rud ar bith!"

"So, you've just said, in 12 languages, that the ALP lied?" Ennis picked up almost EVERY line and realised he'd just repeated himself in 12 languages. It was pretty hilarious, really.

And just as Ennis was snickering, Nice pulled out a lighter and a mobile ammo... screaming "NOW! YOU DON'T INSULT MY HUBBY! NEVER! YOU LEFTWINGERS ARE ALL DEMAGOGUES! **********"

She'd almost lit the ammo when Ennis jumped off her seat, kicked out the ammo from her hand and with her glass of water, put out the flame, before delivering a falcon punch right to her abdomen.

Pretty much a bad move however, as a bag of kerosene broke, and Nice was about to strike a match when Ennis merely flicked away with her fingers, causing the lit match to merely land on the glasstop of the table.

The heat sensors activated, and left Jacuzzi and Nice drenched, while Ennis decamped backstage.

(twitter feed onscreen – FiroPCN: Talk about Jacuzzi jets.)

:: :: :: ::

Author's Note: This was pretty weird. Then again, so are Jacuzzi and Nice. Well, it's a bizarre day for me really, given that I had to give this writing workshop, and got my location changed 4, 5 times, sending me up and down the block. What hilarity.

Anyways, have a good and non-eventful day, and remember to review!

:: :: :: ::

Next guest: Graham Specter, from the Sex Party. And we promise nothing bizarre this time around. I'm sure Ennis is pretty much surprised with the sheer amount of action in what was supposed to be a primetime current affairs programme. At this rate, this really should be Afternoon Live. Or something. Yes We Canberra, even.


	5. 5: liberties: GRAHAM

The 7.30 Rapport – By nlcaelum

**Episode 5: ****Graham Specter**

**(see the links? add "b i t . l y" without spaces, before the slash "/".)**

:: :: :: ::

Chapter five. Have fun.

:: :: :: ::

Disclaimer: All trademarks and copyrights belong to respective owners.

:: :: :: ::

Well, well, well.

Ennis had a wicked grin on her face.

Well, well, well, if you'd see the mission statement of the party: "The Australian Sex Party is a political response to the sexual needs of Australia".

Say that in her hometown, and you'd either be a nightwalker or a biffo. Then again… Ireland was way more conservative than Australia, socially. Oh well.

But she'd have to learn how to control it, and fast, as she'd have a guest on the Rapport tonight.

Irish coffee in hand, she scrolled down the page, and saw another statement on the Sex Party website: "The vast majority of Australians are relaxed and tolerant of a broad spectrum of sexual expression" – which brought to mind… BOB KATTER, who denied the existence of gays, on Q&A on the national broadcaster – streamed via a Sydney news site. [you can see here: /ctpYV5]

That's that, Ennis thought.

:: :: :: ::

Elsewhere, the NSW elections was still in limbo – and no-one the wiser, with Jacuzzi, Firo, and Graham at the electoral returns venue, in Bennelong. It was a nailbiting election… and the results were as close as they got.

No-one knew who'd form government.

**Midday Report**:

"NSW state elections still in limbo. The non-challengers neutral representatives of the three major alignments are all awaiting results, and have all refused to speak to us thus far, with only the governing party representative, Firo, saying that it's way too close to call.

:: :: :: ::

**Afternoon Live:**

"Well, it's so close and so far, this NSW state election. The figures so close, yet the three representatives are at far ends of the venue. We even have a live feed to the venue, in the division of Bennelong, where the Ryde shopping centre is being used as the Electoral HQ." Sylvia Lumiere proudly announced, being the only network to have something like that.

[FiroPCN: You sound like a perv :p afternoonlive]

"Really? A perv? I must be a stalker!" Sylvia exclaimed. "LOL. Best way to be famous!"

:: :: :: ::

_**7.30 Rapport**_,_ the sanctuary of no-spin._

"NSW elections results STILL not decided! This is the NSW election special of the 7.30 Rapport, with Ennis O'Brien."

"We have tonight, the leader of the NSW branch of the fastest-growing party in NSW – the Sex Party, Graham Specter."

"Welcome to the 7.30 Rapport, Graham."

"Thank you."

_*Secretly, Ennis is surprised that Graham isn't pervy*_

"Well, so tell us, what does the Sex Party stand for?"

"Well, we're for liberties. We stand for freedom."

"You sound like the Tea Party of the US."

"Um, not really. The Tea Party stands for liberty and freedom too, but they base it on the US Constitution – and they are based on conservative Christian thought. In other words, they place church OVER state, and we're different."

_*Ennis now feeling not too good about this – she joined a Protestant church quite some time ago…*_

"Like how?"

_*Graham leans over desk, as though trying to smooch Ennis – she leans backwards, and… loses balance, and tumbles off stage… but she's fine, that tough girl from Ennis, Co. Clare – and it REALLY exists*_

"Ow, that must hurt," Graham exclaims in a high-pitched voice. "Anyways," now facing the audience, "We are not beholden to big business like the Tea Party. We are progressive. We follow the United Nations Human Rights Declaration, and the Yogyakarta Principles. We believe that everyone has the rights to do what they want… we believe in Jerkchoices."

_*Ennis, who'd just gotten back on stage – fell off it again, this time laughing.*_

"WHAT? Jerkchoices? Is that what you call it?"

"Government doesn't belong in our bedrooms, and that's why we stand for policies that represent a modern society, like same-sex marriage, free expression, and working against censorship. We call it Jerkchoices. It gives you the freedom to express yourself, however you choose, and with whoever you choose. Even yourself. So if you think we've been overrun by prudes, vote for us. I think we've said this before, during the federal election – and our video is at /aUCFuc." (A/N: Seriously. The video is real.)

_*Cue snort flying out of Ennis' nose*_

_~overhead announcement: Ennis O'Brien is unable to continue, as she's pretty much disabled~_

:: :: :: ::

Thankfully, Firo happened to be in the audience that day, so he placed Ennis on his lap, the giggling fit of a girl, really. Firo wasn't too happy about the whole interview – and was quite prepared to spit on the floor – but anyway, Ennis was in safe arms.

:: :: :: ::

Author's Note: Yes, all the links are REAL. You can go to them if you want.

:: :: :: ::

Well, I promised nothing bizarre, but I just couldn't help myself… but it wasn't that bad, was it? I mean, a proper interview went on, really, and at least there's been no Rudd on 7.30 moments…yet. Well, I think we'll have one soon. You want a video link to the actual stuff?  
Here: /dmP4Kr

Oh and by the way, the episodes are not one week to the next, but a selection. So things flow chronologically, but not consecutively.

Thanks for reading, and remember to review!

Next ep: A triple threat. Lua Klein, Ladd Russo, and Claire Stanfield. Yes, people. A triple threat. And the most explosive episode yet.


	6. 6: quartet: LUA, LADD, CLAIRE and EVE

The 7.30 Rapport – By nlcaelum

**Episode 6**

As promised, a triple threat. Lua Klein, Ladd Russo, and Claire Stanfield. Yes, people. A triple threat. And the most explosive episode yet. How will this play out?

You might want to scroll down to the bottom for the main action. (Public Discussions)

Side note: Congratulations to Chile for successful miner rescues.

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Disclaimer: All trademarks and copyrights belong to respective owners.

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National Broadcast Corps, 7.30 Rapport Think-in Session, Monday before Rapport

"Well, seeing as that there is still no clear winner in NSW, we're looking at having representatives from the three major sides to turn up on the 7.30 Rapport." (Ronnie)

"Are you really sure? Ennis went into a half-day laughing fit after last week – and even in her sleep!' (Firo)

"Oh, come on, it'll be fun!" (Sylvie)

"Uhh..." (Firo)

"Firo. Relax. The three will be told strictly the rules this time around. And the Greens will be here, not the Sex Party."

"Mmhmm. You make sure of it, Ronnie." (Firo)

Greens Office, NSW

"Well, it seems that we've been invited by the national broadcaster to the 7.30 Rapport." Lua Klein muttered.

"That sounds interesting." Her assistant replied.

"Given that the Sex Party messed up last time, I think we should go this time." Lua asserted.

"Ok then."

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Nationals Office, NSW

"National broadcaster calling for me to go to 7.30 Rapport?" Ladd Russo rubbed his eyes.

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Liberals Office, NSW

"Abbott emails that 7.30 Rapport wants somebody to come to represent Libs." Claire Stanfield announced. "And I'm going."

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Labor Office, NSW

The secretariat of the party looks at the invite from the Rapport, and plainly replies that he'd unable to attend, though he'd send Eve Genoard.

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Afternoon Live…

"Labor seems to be ahead by a razor-thin margin – with balance of power seemingly being held by a bunch of independents – just 3 of them! And all of them are have Irish roots, being O'Brien, O'Conor, and O'Donnell. Talk about luck of the Irish." Sylvia quipped.

::

...

::

"7.30 Rapport and Lateline join forces, as they provide the one and only State inter-party discussion on the NSW state elections. Your moderators, Ennis O'Brien and Elmer Albratross, together with Afternoon Live's Sylvie Lumiere."

"Welcome to the inter-party forum. We shall explore something that the parties are not exactly prepared to discuss: What would they do in a case of a hung parliament? And what would they do in opposition? These questions to be fired at the four party representatives today, on 7.30 Rapport and Lateline at 10.30.

This segment will be focused on a hung parliament scenario, and from 10.30, public are welcome to call in to question the participants.

"Tonight, we have Lua Klein from the Greens, Ladd Russo from the Nationals, Claire Stanfield from the Liberals, and Eve Genoard from Labor. Thank you all from joining us." Sylvie begins.

"Now, for the first question: In the case of a hung parliament – what would you do? Each of you have 5 minutes, followed by 2 minutes each for cross examinations." As Elmer Albatross lays down the rules, the participants flip thru their stack of notes. *flip flip*

(Lua begins)

"We intend to enact green policies in partnership with the ruling party, and to help our economy adopt green policies. After all, the Greens are the nation's fastest growing party, and the third largest. We have already entered an alliance with the Australian Sex Party, the fourth largest in the federal elections."

"Also, we think that Copenhagen and Kyoto must be strictly adhered to, as well as reviving ETS in a statewide level, as a model for all Australia."

…

(Ladd Russo)

"The Nationals fight for the regionals and rural areas of NSW, and the thing is that they've been overlooked. So with the Liberals, we shall promote the wealth-creators that make us so successful, and more importantly, to secure the fundamental values of the nation."

(Claire Stanfield)

"The Liberals are committed to opposing Labor's Machiavellian bastardry amongst other things, and to oppose the National Boondoggle Network."

(Eve Genoard)

"We intend to promote the dignity of labor, of the working-class family, and to uphold the progress made by Whitlam, Hawke, Keating, Rudd and Gillard, as well as the improvements to NSW by Carr, Iemma, Rees and Keneally."…

::

"Well, now it's time for the cross examinations.

(Eve) "What does the Liberal representative mean, Machiavellian bastardry?"

(Claire) "Look at Afghanistan, the visit to there and etc etc. So can we really trust you?"

… … …

…. … …

10.30pm, Public Discussions.

"The public are welcome to call in now. They may also email us at the address below right now. Please limit yourself to one picture and under 140 words."

Immediately, a shockwave runs thru the stage.

(Random public submission)

[Recently, in the Daily Telegraph, it was seen that the Liberal and National representatives were seen "lovingly holding hands as they walk down the streets of Sydney late at night, and wih Vino draping his arm around Ladd's shoulders.", and sharing a kiss. Will the involved people care to explain?"]

*Eve and Lua snicker*

"Uhh… Well, we were drunk…" Ladd begins.

* Ennis and Sylvie, on seeing the picture, snicker*

"That is quite interesting." Ennis finally manages to utter, moving to the next mail.

::

[In the Sydney Morning Herald, the Liberal representative had been identified you as Vino, the Rail Tracer, a notorious criminal on the railways of America, pre-Amtrak. What makes you think you should even be elected?]

"…" Abject silence.

"Well, well." Sylvie merely gives a random passing remark.

*Screen suddenly fills with vitriol directed at Claire and Ladd*

"I guess it's Sláinte then to our viewers!" Ennis states, matter-of-factly, wishing all farewell and good health.

::

Author's Note: Oh well, oh well. I need a stiff Irish coffee now. It was difficult to plan this chapter out, and more so because of the sheer size of the cast: 8 members, not including Ronnie.

Meanwhile, I kinda think that this format is pretty straight-laced, and though interesting, isn't open to crack and oddball, and I might open up another series, something close to The Chasers' CNNNN or War on Everything. I might even reprise Battle for Bennelong (the title at least) or something. Like, in other words, a faux news program, or similar. (And why Bennelong? Because it's been the only place in recent times where a journo has ever dared to unseat a sitting PM. And succeeded. A former intelligence analyst tried there too, but failed. Epic part: This election, the journo lost to a tennis star.)

Next guest:…it's a surprise, people!

Remember to review!


	7. 7: irish duo: SYLVIE and ennis

The 7.30 Rapport – By nlcaelum

Episode 7: Sylvie Lumiere

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This time about, Ennis O'Brien, in a more relaxed manner, discusses many things with Sylvie.

This is the last chapter of this set of interviews – so enjoy, while I think on what my next hijink would be of? Will I stick to ABC? Will I move to BBC? RTÉ even? I'll think about it.

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"Next week happens to be St. Patrick's. So tonight on the 7.30 Rapport, we'll speak to Sylvia Lumiere, the long-serving ambassador to Ireland."

Ennis: "Hi there, Sylvia!"

_Sylvie: "Hey there!"_

"So, how's things going in Ireland? Haven't been in a long time!"

"_Well, it's been better recently, though it is true that Ireland did suffer quite a bit from the Economic Crisis not too long ago. But, it's still pretty ok, compared to Greece and Iceland."_

"Ok, so what's the latest, really?"

"_Not much really, either! But it's always a great place to be, the pubs are always charming, and the food rich. Rich!"_

", Sylvia. Like, what, gold leaf?"

"_Not that kind! But it's really heavy! You'd see what they have for breakfast!"_

"Like I don't know already."

"_Yes, yes. Lady from county Clare with the red head~!"_

"Hey!"

"_That was your nick not too long ago!"_

"H~e~y~!"

"_LOL"_

"Ok, now, godma…"

"_What! GODMA!"_

"Yes, yes, tit for tat, Sylvie!"

"_All right, weren't we supposed to be talking about St Pat's?"_

"Oh, yeah! So, this year, Ireland is bringing the whole nine yards to Brisbane for St. Patrick's – I hear the foreign minister's coming along."

"_Kevin O'Seven?"_

"I didn't know SEVEN was a clan name, really!"

"_Exactly! But he did it already – and four years ago, tacky but yeah. Extra dose of Irish luck, I bet."_

"Rrrrrrrrright."

"_Yeah. Well, we're flying in Clannad, Enya, etc, maybe even the Taoiseach…"_

"WHAT! Him?"

"_Yes, go look on Youtube, he's a great performer, really!"_

"With a pint of Guinness in hand, no doubt?"

"_Well, I'm not saying!"_

"Whatever the case, what else can we expect for this week-long celebration of Irishness?"

"_Actually, we'll be bringing some surprises, even right now, we can't confirm much…"_

"Fair there. Let's talk about your days singing in the US."

"_Well, it was a way to earn the dough, yeah, why? Like, I just needed something to do. Remember, I'm single, but hey. You have a nice hubby, to say the least. He'd help get rid of the biggest enemy in our times, Szilard."_

"Yeah, but, SINGING in a bar?"

"_Mmhmm. It's fun, at the least. And it helped get me to where I am today!"_

"Really!"

"_Yeah, like, later on, when Firo got roughly where he was, he was instrumental in getting me here."_

"Sounds complicated."

"_Nah, just a simple case of name dropping."_

"."

"_What's with the drag?"_

"What?"

"_Nothing!"_

"Ok, there."

"_Well, Firo's a nice guy, really."_

"What, are you trying to hook up?"

"_Nah, just making sure you know."_

"Don't inflate his ego, Sylvie!"

"_Don't you worry! He's way better than you give him credit for!"_

"I wouldn't take any chances if I were you, really!"

"_Awwww, come on!"_

"Anyways, how about breaking the news?"

"_Oh, yeah! Well, basically, it's been decided that we're reverting to form – and I'm going to come along – I'm quitting the diplomatic service and coming back to entertainment… basically, we're putting 7.30 Rapport to a Mon-Thu schedule, and cut Stateline back down to Fri 7.30, and we're pushing Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert to 6.45 pm and 7.10 pm, then opening a new talkshow, Yes We Canberra, Mon-Thu, 7.30pm on Channel 2!"_

"You make it sound like we're spoofing 7.30 Report."

"_We're inheriting it from The Chasers!"_

"Well, sounds like fun!"

"_Also, I hear Firo might be joining us!"_

"Srsly?"

"_KIDDING!"_

"Aw."

"_Now you're missing him!"_

"No!"

"_Yes!"_

"Gaaaargh!"

"_All right there!"_

"Ok, ok! So that's all for tonight! Tune in Monday-Thursday from 7.30pm for Yes We Canberra! – or you can tune in from 7.10pm for the full Irish experience – Stephen Colbert's Irish too!"

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A/N: Ok, so 7 eps, and we're moving to the new format: More camp, more crack! WATCH OUT! (LOL)

Link will come soon!


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